Zappin' it!

Apparently hand held tasers are a controversial gift want list for women this Christmas. Aside from the important philosphical and ethical questions this raises, I was thinking about what I'd use a personal taser for if I owned one. However, I'd like a taser that not only shocked people but replaced their bad behavior with more acceptable behavior. Here are the people that I'd use it on:

1. Mrs. Meany Pants. Pre-tasered: This lady was yelling at the really nice Pre-Scanning Employee at Costco (how can you not love them? They speed things up!) when she lost her American Express card. She finally found it but didn't apologize. Post-tasered-Polite, taking personal responsibility Costco shopper. She even gives away her secret recipe for shortbread to the cashier.
2. Mr. Impatient. Pre-tasered: The man who cuts people off and weaves in and out of traffic all the way down the busy and not-so-busy streets. Usually they end up at the lights at the same time as you. Post-tasered: Driving the same speed as everyone else and waves at children in school buses.
3. Miss Picky Pants. Pre-tasered: These are children who won't eat anything that isn't in their grouping of five favorites and tend to be rather annoying to entertain. Post-tasered: They'd be replaced with Momofthecrazies' children who say please and thank you for everything. They are delightful to be around. They even look at broccoli lasagna as an adventure.
4. Mr. Unthankful. Pre-tasered: This guy is upset that everything isn't perfect in his life and is upset that they don't have the biggest, most flat screened, HD, blue-ray entertainment system. Post-tasered: He'd think that anything is great and would even think that Knittinchick's plain old tv is fabulous and not roll his eyes when his wife says that they are going to Knittinchick's for a dvd night.

Too bad no one is going to be giving me a taser this year. I think that there is a batch of broccoli lasagna I need to make!